Here were some ideas for ways to help motivate your kids to do chores cheerfully:
The Energy Tank - this was the idea that negative things kids do (making a mess and leaving it, fighting with each other, talking back, etc) drain our energy tanks, but positives (getting along with each other, cleaning up their mess, cleaning someone else's mess, etc) put energy back in our tanks. So, for example, if a child wants to go to a friend's house, you could say, "You know what? I used all my energy up listening to you fight with your sister. I don't have any left to take you to your friend's house."And vice versa
The Bucket (what was its official name, Doneen?) - put both chores and fun things on individual slips of paper and put them in the bucket. Whenever the child says s/he is bored, select a slip from the bucket and do whatever is on it.
Another thing we talked about was perhaps moving meeting locations. These two ideas were suggested:
Add a 3rd house - The Kocis and the Zeiglers graciously offer their places, but it's a lot of work for them, both before and after. Rick and I offered our house, but we could really only do it in the summers and send the kids across the street to the park. We would also need a third baby-sitter.
Meet at the church - This would be easy for the kids because they could play on the playground or in the gym. It's less "homey" and we would need to be sure to leave it cleaner than we found it.
A parent’s advice on how to raise responsible, hardworking kids.
By Barbara Curtis, for the study, “Responsibility Super Models”
Today is my first son’s first day at his first job. Josh is rarin’ to go, but pauses for a hug and a blessing before he leaves. It’s a simple but physically demanding job—unloading boxes from big brown trucks for a well-known delivery service. After years of sports and workouts, Josh is equipped to provide the muscle power. But only time will tell if Josh has everything else it takes to succeed at this job and those to come.
While today marks a rite of passage for Josh, it doesn’t stand in isolation. It’s the day his dad and I have been preparing him for since we first taught him to pick up his clothes, to crush the cans for recycling, to vacuum out the car. It’s what we were working toward when we gritted our teeth and took the extra time to make him do something we could have done faster and better ourselves. It’s the real-life test of our everyday efforts to raise children with a work ethic.
Believe me, it hasn’t been easy. Our family lives in one of the ten most affluent counties in the country. Children here learn designer labels before they learn their alphabet and are often handed the keys to a Mercedes on their 16th birthday. Still, I suspect that even in more down-to-earth places, parents who place a premium on teaching their children the value of work may find themselves going against the flow.
The good news is that the flow may be turning. Last August, the cover of Time magazine asked “Do Kids Have Too Much Power?” According to Time’s poll, 80 percent of Americans think children today are more spoiled than children 10 or 15 years ago, and 75 percent think children today do fewer chores. But if you can afford to live a comfortable lifestyle, it may only seem right that your kids receive more and work less than you did. Still, there is often a downside.
Take my neighbors Sheila and Vic. After years of catering to their kids’ materialistic whims, they shelved the Nintendo except for special occasions, started having the kids wash the car instead of going to the car wash, and tied their kids’ allowance to chores. Sheila says, “My dad left when I was young and we didn’t have much. My mother was struggling to raise four kids, and I had way too much responsibility. I tried to make up for it by spoiling my own kids later on. But we saw that wasn’t working—their attitudes left a lot to be desired. Now that we expect more from our kids, they’re a lot easier to live with.”
Sheila and Vic aren’t the only parents to discover that giving their kids the best often makes things worse. Dr. Ruth Peters, a psychology contributor to NBC’s “Today” show and author of Overcoming Underachieving (Broadway), says, “Daily in my practice, I see parents who have made the mistake of not taking the time and attention to teach their children to be workers and achievers. These kids have learned to settle for less rather than to face adversity, to become whiners rather than creative problem solvers, and to blame others for perceived slights and lack of success. But the ability to work hard, to tolerate frustration, and to take responsibility doesn’t just happen without a push from parents.”
To help your child begin to develop a work ethic, use these guidelines:
Start Early. Don’t count on school to mold your child into a good worker. The groundwork is laid well before kindergarten. While developing her educational method, Dr. Maria Montessori observed the intense desire of toddlers to be productive, to imitate adult work. She noted “sensitive periods” when a child is most open to certain skills. She believed that when teachers (and parents) take advantage of these periods, learning is filled with joy.
Think of your 3 year old begging to peel carrots, or your 4 year old pleading to mop the floor. While our tendency is to tell them they’re not ready, Montessori would say their desire is our invitation to teach them now.
The secret to allowing your child to help with a difficult task is to break it down into small steps—and this requires patience. Children who have the opportunity to serve when they want to will be more likely to step up to a task later on.
Accept What You Get. Naturally, letting a 4 year old mop the floor means your floor won’t get very clean. Still, it’s important that we graciously praise the effort and the desire to help, not the results.
For example, 7 year old Madison decided to surprise her mom by cleaning the dining room windows. After all, she’d seen her brother washing them and it looked pretty easy. When Maddie’s mom saw the far-from-perfect results, she ignored the smudges and smears. “What a lovely job!” she said. “I love to clean windows, too. Next time let’s do it together!” Maddie felt like a real helper and couldn’t wait to do more household chores.
Know Your Children. Children are individuals and mature at different rates. As your child takes on new chores and responsibilities, strike a balance between accepting his best effort and raising the bar to challenge him. Pay attention to where your child is developmentally. There’s a difference between a 5 year old who doesn’t know that plates have backs and a 10 year old who neglects to wash them because he’s in a hurry to get outside and play. One needs teaching, the other needs accountability.
Parents also need to know how to motivate each child. Young children are often motivated by verbal praise. Emphasize how much your child’s work helps you and other people. If playtime is particularly important to your child, point out that helping with household chores allows more time for fun.
Older children want “stuff,” and lots of it. They also like to go to the movies, eat out with friends—the list goes on and on. During this stage, money and increased freedom become the main motivators. While many parents tie allowance to chores, kids need to learn to help at home because it’s the right thing to do. Even if you pay your kids for some chores, there should be a few household tasks they do simply because they are part of the family. If you don’t want to offer money for chores, use added privileges as an incentive.
Teach Delayed Gratification. Let’s face it, we live in a society saturated with a “me first” mentality. It takes a proactive approach to help your child develop thoughtfulness and self-control—two traits that will be essential for avoiding the temptations of the teen years.
It starts by establishing a pattern: we work and then we play. You might say to your child, “I know you want to play outside. Let’s pick up all these blocks and fold the clothes and then we can go together.” Or, “Let’s get the house cleaned up, and then we’ll make some popcorn and watch a movie.”
We’ve found that teaching delayed gratification sometimes means creating obstacles when things come a little too easily. Shortly before Josh’s 16th birthday, his grandma told us she planned to buy herself a new car and give him her Jeep. We asked her instead to charge Josh $500—not the full value of the car, but a hefty chunk from his savings. As a result, he took better care of the Jeep than he might have if it had been a freebie.
Equip Them to Earn. Through the years, we’ve given our kids a base allowance, then awarded bonuses for work done well and cheerfully. We’ve also encouraged them to find other ways to earn money. One year, four of our boys—then ages 7–12— raised rats to sell to pet stores. We taught them to keep records and to understand the language of business: expenses, income, profits, losses. Later, they all had once-a-week paper routes. The boys learned a lot about customer service, human nature, persistence, and patience. Most recently, they started a company called Brothers Firewood and spent the winter splitting and delivering firewood.
What all of these ventures had in common was that they took an enormous amount of time and energy—mine and their dad’s! Nurturing their entrepreneurial spirits meant schlepping the boys and a fresh batch of rats to the pet store every few weeks, or driving them on their paper routes when it was soggy outside, or rehearsing how to handle nonpaying customers. For my husband, it meant driving a truck loaded with wood and boys, and teaching the kids to take responsibility for a dented mailbox even when it meant losing money on a delivery.
Help your kids find work they’ll enjoy, and you won’t have to push them out the door to do it. You’ll undoubtedly have to offer a little work of your own to get them started. If your child wants to rake leaves, be ready to knock on doors with him. If she wants to walk dogs, help her place an ad in the paper. Be ready and willing to help your child start working, and you’ll be amazed at the life lessons she’ll learn.
Encourage Volunteering. Teaching a child to enjoy working for money is a good thing, but teaching him to enjoy service for its own sake is best. Today volunteerism is trendy. More and more schools—private and public—are requiring a certain number of hours of volunteer work from students each semester. For Christian kids, volunteerism holds a special resonance, as it means following Jesus’ command to love and serve.
When your children are young, find ways to involve them in your own service projects. Let them help when you deliver a meal to a new mom or bring flowers to an elderly friend. Talk about how Christ laid down his life for us and the small ways in which we do that for others. You can pick up trash on your street or on the beach, visit convalescent homes, or pull weeds for a neighbor.
As your children get older, help them find other ways to serve. They can go on a short-term missions trip, help serve lunch at a soup kitchen, or volunteer with the Special Olympics. This is truly being salt and light, which should be part of any Christian’s work ethic.
Be a Role Model. So much of who our children turn out to be is a reflection, not of what we try to pour into them, but of what they see in us. It’s not the big occasions our kids will remember most, but the everyday stuff that revealed what their parents were really made of—how we handled frustration, whether we were generally on time, whether we kept commitments, whether we worked with a smile or a frown.
Like all good things, building a strong work ethic in your child takes constant effort. But you’ll know it’s worth it when your child comes home from the first day of his first job looking tired and satisfied and grown up and says something like Josh said to me: “My boss said I did a good job, Mom. Thanks for everything.”
—Barbara Curtis lives in California with her family. She practices her work ethic as the mother of 12 children.
Six questions to determine what is reasonable to ask from your children.
By Elizabeth Moll Stalcup, for the study “Great Expectations”
“Your little girl was so good during the concert,” a gray-haired woman told me as she glanced at Anna, my 3-year-old. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a young child sit so nicely for so long.”
Anna had just endured two hours of chamber music without wiggling or talking, and my heart nearly burst with pride. This was what I secretly wanted—for my little girl to be so exceptional that everyone would notice her.
A few years later, however, my pride turned to alarm as I watched my daughter become increasingly critical of herself and intolerant of her slightest mistake. I realized I was partly responsible. Anna was paying a high price to win my approval.
As parents, we want our kids to be better behaved and more moral than their peers, making it easy to fall into the trap of expecting too much. To guard against perfectionism, I’ve started asking myself six questions.
1. Do My Expectations Fit My Child’s Age?
Six-month-old babies throw things because that’s how they learn to release their tightly clenched fists. And a 7-year old may not hear his parents calling because he is lost in internal reflection. When my kids were little, I thought I should be able to tell them something once. But it was unrealistic to apply that expectation to young children.
To get our expectations in line with our child’s capabilities, we need to learn about child development. One good way is to read Christian Parenting Today’s “Your Child Today” section. Or ask your child’s teacher if her behavior is appropriate for her age. Another valuable resource to consult is parents whose children are older than yours.
2. Do I Expect My Child to Behave Like His Siblings?
We know that each child is a unique individual created by God, yet somehow we are still surprised when our kids are so different. Parenting techniques that worked well with one child fail miserably with another. One child is talkative; the other craves solitude. One is messy; another is naturally neat. That doesn’t mean we abandon hope of getting the messy child to clean his room. But he may need more detailed instructions and more support to get the job done.
3. Do I Expect My Child to Succeed at Everything?
To learn about themselves and develop good judgment, kids need to try things and take reasonable risks. This guarantees they’ll make some mistakes. And it’s often harder for parents to deal with the mistakes than it is for the kids.
We need to realize that failure is not something to be feared. In fact, some lessons are learned best when a child tries the wrong thing and sees firsthand that it doesn’t work.
4. Do I Allow My Child to Test Limits?
At every stage of development, kids test limits. That’s one way they learn about the world around them. It’s also an excellent way for them to identify what their parents value most. When they push the boundaries and you don’t give in, they realize how important the boundary is.
5. Do I Give My Child Enough Attention?
We can live our lives in high gear, rushing to work, rushing to soccer practice, rushing to the grocery store. But this constant rushing can cause us to overlook two essential ingredients of successful parenting: time and attention.
My daughter Anna struggled with basic math facts when she was in second grade. My husband and I were baffled by her inability to add simple numbers. But when we tried to help her, we only made her more tense. Finally, we signed her up for a program that required twice-weekly classes and daily worksheets. I didn’t enjoy making her complete the worksheets, driving her to classes or shelling out the hard-earned cash. But she went from being the kid who never raised her hand to the kid who was eager to answer questions in class.
6. Do I Become Frustrated and Expect Too Little?
At times I have been so frustrated with one of my kids that I got angry, withdrew emotionally and stopped expecting him or her to succeed. I had reached a dangerous point. While expecting too much can wound a child, so can expecting too little.
“It’s tough for parents to find the right balance between acceptance and challenge,” says Linda Wagener, Ph.D., a child psychologist and professor at Fuller Theological Seminary. “Some parents expect too much in one area, such as high marks in school or athletic performance, and too little in another, such as how you treat other people. Or parents will expect too little from one particular child, often the baby of the family.”
When parents expect too little, their children don’t see themselves as being competent. Or they might fight off feelings of worthlessness by turning to the substitute of perfectionism.
Confused about Holiness
For too long, I confused perfectionism with holiness. Perfectionism is something we do when we try to control our lives and our children. Holiness is something only God can do as we surrender our lives to him.
I used to think I could raise cooperative, perfectly behaved children if I did everything right. When they misbehaved, I felt I wasn’t doing my job as a mother. Now I know my kids aren’t perfect—but neither am I!
It took years of prayer and encouragement and a drastic change in my expectations for my daughter Anna to recover. A breakthrough came one summer while a group of kids were praying for her. As God touched Anna, she began to sob. “I cried for over an hour,” she told me later, “while my whole life passed before me.”
I began to notice changes. She was less critical of herself, her family and her friends. She was also more comfortable with her emotions—even the negative ones. It helped that I had let up on my unreasonable demands, but God was the one who touched and healed her heart.
A former research scientist, Dr. Elizabeth Moll Stalcup is the mother of three children. She lives in northern Virginia.
“Am I Expecting Too Much?” by Elizabeth Moll Stalcup, Christian Parenting Today, January/February 1999
Here are the learning points for a little refresher:
Parents need to have age-appropriate expectations for their children.
Parents need to communicate clear expectations and consequences for behavior.
Parents need to let children experience the natural consequences of their choices and behaviors.
If you rescue your children from consequences , you will end up rescuing them again to the detriment of their character.
Recommended resource:
:ChristianBibleStudies.com -Fear Factors in Parenting -Friendships That Benefit Parenting -Parenting Together -Loving Discipline -Model Self-Confidence for Your Kids -Raising Counter-Cultural Teenagers
Today is my first son’s first day at his first job. Josh is rarin’ to go, but pauses for a hug and a blessing before he leaves. It’s a simple but physically demanding job—unloading boxes from big brown trucks for a well-known delivery service. After years of sports and workouts, Josh is equipped to provide the muscle power. But only time will tell if Josh has everything else it takes to succeed at this job and those to come.